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Humor and Jokes

FW: British Humor
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A fun way to start or continue your day.   A few may be familiar.  Don’t worry if you can’t remember any of them.  One of the good things about growing older.  Now they seem new and still give you a chuckle or two.

 

I note myself refraining from saying to my peers, “you told me that before”.  Maybe they did and maybe they didn’t.  Hhhmmmmm….

 

Cheers,  Ralph

 

Sent from Mail for Windows

 

 

 

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers.

 

  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites! 


FREE PUPPIES
  
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. 


FREE PUPPIES.
 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences

in a single bound.

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100. 

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.  
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

And the WINNER is ... 

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

 No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 


Statement of the century
  
Thought from the greatest living Scottish thinker

-- Billy Connolly: "If women are so bloody

perfect at multitasking, how come they can't

have a headache and sex at the same time?" 

    

 

Children are quick

 

 

TEACHER: Why are you late? 

STUDENT: Class started before I got

here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing

your math multiplication on the floor?

 

JOHN: You told me to do it without

using tables.

 

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell

 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you

asked me how I spell it.

 

(I love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the

chemical formula for water?

 

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking

about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's

H to O.

 

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one

important thing we have today that

we didn't have ten years  ago.

 

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always

get so dirty?

 

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the

ground than you are.

 

_______________________________________ 

 

TEACHER: George Washington not

only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted it.  Now,  Louie,

do you know why his father didn't

punish him?

 

LOUIS: Because George still had the

axe in his hand.

_________________

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly,

do you say prayers before eating?

 

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum

is a good cook.

 

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on

'My Dog' is exactly the same as your

brother's. Did you copy his?

 

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a

person who keeps on talking when

people are no longer interested?

 

HAROLD: A teacher.

__________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE

SOMEONE LAUGH!   

 

Due to current economic conditions the

light at the end  of the tunnel has been

turned off.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

 

 

 


 

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